Rattling your fantasy football opponent isn’t an exact science. It’s a combination of creativity, hard work, research, and spot-on timing. To be an effective smack talker, you must be entertaining and calculating. If you can squeeze in a little originality and poignancy at the end, you’ve got some hot fire to singe your opponent’s confidence for that week.
Often times, smack talk posts suffer because they’re too mundane. You must fight the urge to take boring, cliché potshots making fun of obvious things such as how your opponent sucks, how his team is ‘going down’ or the ever-so-lame ‘you can’t beat me’ zinger. Instead, go for the jugular and be totally outlandish or totally witty, or both.
Example No. 1. Say your friend is a New York Giants fan. Well, you’re in luck. Though Giants quarterback Eli Manning tears it up on the field, he’s one of the goofiest quarterbacks in the league. Just do a google image search with his name and you’re bound to find some pretty embarrassing shots. You can even make a funny caption to go along with it. Hint: Photoshop is your friend here. Eli was also an easy target this season because he was a huge bust, so when a player performs poorly look to stir that into the smack sauce as well.
While smack talk can be effective during the season when the waiver wire heats up, you’ll want to spew your best venom come draft day. Timely rips on your fellow league members draft strategy can influence their decision-making and even force them into a bad pick.
Example No. 2. Draft day 2012. League member takes a lemon such as Chargers backup Ronnie Brown in the late rounds, basing the questionable choice on the fact that starter Ryan Matthews will be sidelined for the first four weeks with an Achilles injury. Brown is slated for 13-15 carries a game according to rotoworld at the time of the draft in August. Here is how one of our guys handled it.
Eaglesfan293 takes Ronnie Brown (San Diego)
BookofEli60: Reach dude
BookofEli60: Terrible pick
BookofEli60: Would you like to talk about the horrible pick you just made
Analysis: Notice the repetition. He didn’t just say ‘hey, that was a bad pick.’ He engaged the drafter, asking him why is he so stupid and really planted the seed of doubt.
Another example. Say you got a guy you really want to draft, but he is still a few picks away. To ensure he doesn’t get snagged up, tell your opponent how bad he is at another position.
Scenario: Guy #1 wants Torrey Smith as his No. 2 receiver, notices Guy #2 is two picks ahead and also needs a receiver. Guy #1 notices Guy #2 doesn’t have a tight end yet.
Guy No. 1: Hey man, Torrey Smith will be terrible this year. All he does is go deep for big yards and will probably be a feast-or-famine type dude. You might want to stray into tight end land since Tony Gonzalez is still available. Dinosaurs used to rock his jersey but at least he’s an upgrade over the current Lenny Kekua doppelganger you got right now.
If that’s not your style, you can veer into the land of personal insults or in another words — challenging your opponent’s manhood. While Michael Jordan was a legend at this (he barked at Mugsey Bogues for an entire game once, calling him a f***in midget. This is risky terrain, considering you may come off as a complete jerk and flip your friendship on its heels. You should only use this type of talk if you and your friend are very comfortable with each other. When it works, it’s magic. When it doesn’t, it’s disaster.
You’re probably wondering, since smack talk is such an effective weapon, how best to counter such an attack? Well, you can’t stop somebody from smack talking you. We live in a free country after all. The best way I’ve found to extinguish any type of verbal assault is to one-up them through self-deprecation. Once you do that, then fire back an insult of your own.
Example No. 3
Guy No. 1 — You have the toughness of a celery stick
Guy No. 2 — Nah, I am weaker. I am more like those skinny pretzels that break the instant you touch them.
Guy No. 2 — And you, son, are a fucking disaster, a cholesterol haven. One pop tart away from morbid obesity.
Of course, there’s no right or wrong way to piss your opponent off. There is always a more original way. Employ these frames of mind into your smack talk and your league will be that much more entertaining as a result.